Copy/Paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said, ‘The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!’
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added, ‘… And that woman was my mother!’ Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit tipsy after a drink, and he said loudly, ‘The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!’
His wife went red with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ‘… And I can’t remember who she was!’
Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste!

Note to self: Cancel credit cards prior to death

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been €0.00, now is somewhere around €60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
‘I am calling to tell you that she died in January.’
MBNA:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
MBNA:
‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member:
‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
MBNA:
‘Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member:
‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
MBNA:
‘Excuse me?’
Family Member:
‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?’
MBNA:
‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.’
MBNA:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
MBNA:
(Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member:
‘No, I’m her great nephew.’
(Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member:
‘Sure.’
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
MBNA:
‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member:
‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’
MBNA:
‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Would you like her new billing address?’
MBNA:
‘That might help.’
Family Member:
‘ Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road, Dublin 11, Ireland, Plot Number 1049.’
MBNA:
‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member:
‘Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?’

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”).
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird.”
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Problems

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives !!!

Marriage

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…

Sex for men

There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: TriWeekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Wife

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Condom

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Heritage

When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.

Zahar

Un everu si un roman au magazinele alimentare vis-a-vis. Intr-o zi apare la
evreu afisat ca are zahar de vanzare cu 3000 lei/kg. A doua zi romanul se infurie si pune un afis pe care apare 2800 lei/kg. A treia zi evreul pune din nou un pret mai bun: 2600 lei/kg. A patra zi romanul afiseaza un pret de 2450 lei/kg. Imediat in vitrina la evreu apare noul pret: 2300 lei/kg .
In sfarsit in a cincea zi romanul se duce in pravalia evreului.
-Dar ia spune cum poti sa scazi pretul in asa hal ca vom da faliment amandoi! Eu iau zaharul de la producator cu 2450!
-Eu nu cred ca vei da faliment, pentru ca eu nici macar nu am zahar de vanzare.