Analiza chimica

ELEMENT:
Femeia

SIMBOL:
Fe

DESCOPERITOR:
Adam

MASA ATOMICA:
Acceptata cu 55kg, dar variaza intre 45kg si 225kg

PROPRIETATI FIZICE:
1) suprafata acoperita in mod normal cu o pelicula de vopsea si pudra
2) fierbe din senin, ingheata aparent fara motiv
3) se topeste daca primeste tratament special
4) devine amara daca este folosita incorect

PROPIETATI CHIMICE:
1) afinitate pt aur,argint,platina si toate pietrele pretioase
2) absoarbe cantitati mari de substante pretioase
3) explodeaza in mod spontan fara motiv sau avertizare
4) cel mai puternic agent de reducere a banilor cunoscut.

Exchange

Un indian navajo statea langa un agent de vanzari pe o banca in parc… intre ei se afla o punga mare de hartie… indianul fixa de ceva timp punga de hartie.
- Vrei sa stii ce e in punga? intreaba agentul de vanzari. Indianul dadu afirmativ din cap. E o sticla de vin, am luat-o pentru nevasta-mea.
Indianul tacu o vreme, apoi zise, dand afirmativ din cap de mai multe ori:
- Bun schimb ai facut…

Nasterile

Nasterile sunt de trei tipuri:
1) spontane - cand nevasta naste la o luna dupa casatorie.
2) tardive - cand naste nevasta la doi ani de la moartea sotului.
3) extrauterine - cand naste servitoarea

Femeia fericita

Exista 70 de metode de a face o femeie fericita.
Una este de a o lua la cumparaturi.
Cealalta este 69.

Dilemma of a Single Woman

For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date, here are the DEFINITIVE answers:
1. If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it’s a date HE pays.
2. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with him and if SHE’s a nice person who wants the “just friends” message to get through loud and clear SHE pays for herself and insists on it.
3. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with him and if SHE’s a nice person but HE’s rich HE pays but SHE offers.
4. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with him, SHE’s not a nice person, and HE’s rich HE pays.
5. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with him, SHE’s not a nice person, and HE’s not rich HE pays.
6. If HE pays but SHE doesn’t want to seem like a freeloader SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she’ll get the drinks or coffee later.
7. If HE’s cheap HE asks her to split the bill.
8. If HE’s broke, they’re close, SHE’s not a nice person, and they’re going to a good place SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits him. HE pays.
9. If HE’s broke, they’re close, SHE’s a nice person, and they’re going to a good place SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.
10. If HE’s broke, they’re close, SHE’s nice, and they’re going to a cheap place SHE pays.
11. If HE’s broke, they’re close, SHE’s not nice, and they’re going to a cheap place SHE suddenly realizes that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair…forever.
12. If SHE asked him out, it’s his birthday, and they’re in love SHE pays.
13. If SHE asked him out and it’s not his birthday but HE knows what’s good for him SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.
14. If HE’s a guy with any interest in seeing her again HE pays. Period.

Headache

Husband comes into the bedroom carrying two aspirin tablets and a glass of water. Wife asks:
- What are these for?
- For your headache, replies the husband.
- But I don’t have a headache…
- Ha-ha, gotcha!!!

Inventii

Barbatul a descoperit ARMELE si a inventat VANATOAREA. Femeia a descoperit VANATOAREA si a inventat BLANURILE. Barbatul a descoperit CULORILE si a inventat PICTURA. Femeia a descoperit PICTURA si a inventat MACHIAJUL. Barbatul a descoperit LUMEA si a inventat CONVERSATIA. Femeia a descoperit CONVERSATIA si a inventat BARFA. Barbatul a descoperit JOCUL si a inventat CARTILE DE JOC. Femeia a descoperit CARTILE DE JOC si a inventat DATUL IN CARTI. Barbatul a descoperit PRIETENIA si a inventat DRAGOSTEA. Femeia a descoperit DRAGOSTEA si a inventat CASATORIA. Barbatul a descoperit FEMEIA si a inventat SEXUL. Femeia a descoperit SEXUL si a inventat DURERILE DE CAP. Barbatul a descoperit COMERTUL si a inventat BANII. Femeia a descoperit BANII….si atunci s-a dus dracu’ TOT…

Intalnire

M-a sunat ieri o tipa: “vino acum, nu-i nimeni acasa”. M-am dus. Nu era nimeni.

la ce renunti mai usor?

- La ce e mai usor sa renunti: la vin sau la femei?

- Depinde de vechime…

Ghinion

Un tip racoleaza o tipa. O plateste si intra intr-o camera de motel unde, in timp ce tipul facea dusul de rigoare, tipa constata cu stupoare ca e in aceea perioada a lunii…
-Ce ma fac? Am primit banii… tipul e chiar dragut… as vrea si eu… o sa sting lumina… n-o sa-si dea seama si cand se va trezi eu voi fi demult plecata.
Zis si facut. Dupa o noapte furtunoasa, plina de sex, tipul se trezeste si linga el o balta mare de sange si tipa nicaieri…
-Am omorat-o! si se duce sa-si verifice pistolul, acesta avea toate gloantele…
-Am taiat-o cu cutitul! verifica in bucatarie cutitul, acesta fara urme de sange…
-Am taiat-o cu lama! merge in baie, verifica aparatul de barbiarit…intact. Cand ridica capul si se vede in oglinda, striga:
-AM MANCAT-O!