Archive for Aprilie 2008

Aniversare

Aprilie 23, 2008

La aniversarea a 20 de ani de la casatorie, dupa ce Ion si Maria au sarbatorit, Ion, melancolic, iese pe balcon si incepe sa fumeze tigara dupa tigara.
– Ce-ai patit, Ioane?
– Mai stii acum 20 de ani cand ne-a prins taica-tu in masina?
– Da!
– Mai stii ca mi-a zis ca, daca nu te iau de nevasta, fac 20 de ani la inchisoare?
– Da!
– Offff… maine ieseam…

Noi Standarde ISO

Aprilie 22, 2008

Institutul International pentru Standarde ISO a aprobat o noua unitate de masura: Bekalul. Bekalul masoara cantitatea de prostie din om. Simbolul standard aprobat este Bk. Ca unitate superioara avem KBk (Kilo Bekalul). Pentru minoritatile din aceasta categorie, s-a introdus de asemenea si o subunitate: Vanghelul. Simbolul standard aprobat este Vg. Ca echivalent, 1 Bekal = 10 Vangheli.

Simbolurile muncii

Aprilie 21, 2008

Noile simboluri ale muncii la birou sunt inghetata si porumbelul – “cine nu linge zboara”

Pisi…

Aprilie 19, 2008

La semafor, 2 smecheri intr-o masina striga dupa o blonda:
– Pisi, pisi…da’ ce mananci tu de esti asa frumoasa?
Blonda:
-Banii, la fraieri ca voi!

Divort

Aprilie 19, 2008

O pereche de batrani, el de 115 ani, ea de 110 ani, se prezinta la ofiterul starii civile.
-Vrem sa divortam!
-Cand ati hotarat?
-In urma cu 40 de ani!
-Si de ce ati asteptat atat?
-De jena! Am asteptat sa moara copiii!

Note to self: Cancel credit cards prior to death

Aprilie 19, 2008

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless And so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been €0.00, now is somewhere around €60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
‘I am calling to tell you that she died in January.’
MBNA:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
MBNA:
‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member:
‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
MBNA:
‘Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member:
‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
MBNA:
‘Excuse me?’
Family Member:
‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?’
MBNA:
‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.’
MBNA:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
MBNA:
(Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member:
‘No, I’m her great nephew.’
(Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member:
‘Sure.’
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
MBNA:
‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member:
‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’
MBNA:
‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Would you like her new billing address?’
MBNA:
‘That might help.’
Family Member:
‘ Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road, Dublin 11, Ireland, Plot Number 1049.’
MBNA:
‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member:
‘Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?’

Bula creatorul

Aprilie 17, 2008

Bula la 5 ani se juca in nisip cu o lopatica. Trecand un politai pa langa el il intreaba:
– Bula, ce faci acolo?
Bula:
– Un politist.
Politistul:
– Pai din ce il faci?
Bula:
– Din nisip, apa si cacat.
Politistul, suparat, ii trage o mama de bataie. A doua zi Bula la aceiasi groapa de nisip. Apare si politistul:
– Bula, ce faci acolo?
Bula:
– Un pompier.
Politistul:
– Si din ce il faci?
Bula:
– Din nisip si apa politistul.
Politistul:
– Pai nu pui si cacat?
Bula:
– Pai, daca pun, atunci iese politist.

Cocosul

Aprilie 17, 2008

Un preot locuia langa o manastire si avea 10 gaini si un cocos. Cocosul din cand in cand disparea, dar aparea pana seara. Ultima data cand a zburat, nu s-a mai intors si preotul, primul lucru duminica in biserica, a intrebat lumea:
– As vrea sa stiu daca cineva are un cocos?… si toti barbatii s-au sculat in picioare…
– Nu, nu, nu, am vrut sa intreb daca cineva a vazut un cocos?… si toate femeile s-au sculat in picioare…
– Nu, nu, nu, nici asta n-am vrut sa stiu, vreau sa stiu daca cineva de aici a vazut un cocos care nu-i apartine?… si jumatate din femei s-au sculat in picioare…
– Nu, nu, nu, nici asta n-am vrut sa stiu, vreau sa stiu daca cineva a vazut cocosul meu?… si toate maicutele s-au sculat in picioare!

Allah

Aprilie 16, 2008

Iisus cu Dumnezeu stau la o cafea in living. Suna cineva la usa. Raspunde Iisus. La usa…. Allah. Iisus:
– Tata, iar ai comandat shaorma?

Cererea

Aprilie 15, 2008

Bula se intoarce acasa foarte trist, dupa ce plecase sa ceara mana prietenei sale. Vazandu-l suparat, tatal sau il intreaba:
– Ce s-a intamplat, Bulisor, te-a refuzat?
– Da… Mi-a tras si o palma!
– Cum asa? Nu i-ai spus cum te-am invatat eu? „Draga mea, timpul se opreste in loc pentru mine cand privesc in ochii tai!”
– Vai! Asta era! Am gresit formularea. I-am spus: „Ai o fatza de mi se opreste ceasul!”